Somehow I found myself with kids only 10 months apart. Six weeks every year they were the same age. Frequently people at the supermarket would say how cute they were and ask if they were twins. When I answered no, they looked at me strangely and walked away confused.

Being an obstetrician/gynecologist, I was extremely busy with my practice and not tuned at all to child rearing. So when my wife suggested we attend a seminar by the then-famous child psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott, a famous psychologist, I agreed to go.

This turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

Haim Ginott had just published his book, ‘Between Parent And Child’, a major bestseller. The seminar lasted two days. It was attended by 300 people, most of whom were frustrated mothers. I was one of the few males in attendance.

Just imagine 300 frustrated women with numerous problems with their children being able to ask any question. What I learned enabled me to become a semi-expert in child-rearing.

I remember some lessons to this day, even though they were a half-century ago. Unfortunately, Dr. Ginott died soon after the seminar at the young age of 51.

The most impressive ones I used on my children were as follows. Dr. Ginott gave many answers and told the following memorable stories.

He started by stating, “Children are unable to follow any command immediately. Their ego prevents this.” He then told the following story.

He was visiting some distant friends who had a six-year-old daughter named Gina. On a previous visit, Gina had taken a liking to the doctor and was excited about his visit. However, Dr. Ginott arrived late at night when she was in bed.

Promptly at 6 AM he was awakened by a bouncing rubber ball right by his ear; Gina was told not to awaken him. So with one eye opened, he said to her, “Would you please stop bouncing the ball?” She responded, “Can I bounce it one more time?” Being the expert that he was, he said, “Why don’t you bounce it two more times?” She bounced the ball twice more and left the room, avoiding temper tantrums and confrontational problems.

The very next day after the seminar, I found my five year-old son riding his Big Boy bicycle around the pool cool deck. He had been instructed on several occasions not to do this. I said, “Drew, I asked you not to ride around the pool like that.” I was astounded when he said, “Can I ride around it one more time?”

Being a newly-minted expert in how to handle this, I said, “Why don’t you ride around two more times?” He proceeded to ride around two more times, and never repeated it again.

To the question, “What do you do when two little kids are fighting?” His answer: “Leave the room and hope they don’t kill each other”, produced much laughter.

Another suggestion to this question was the ‘art of questioning’. When Mary comes up and says, “Johnny hit me”, you turn to Johnny and say, “Mary says you hit her.” Then Johnny says, “Mary hit me first.” Then you turn to Mary and say, “Johnny says you hit him first.” After going back-and-forth several times they usually lose patience and walk away.

More questions. “What do you do when a child holds its breath in anger.”. Answer: you don’t need to do anything because this is impossible; it’s just an effort to get attention. Even if they pass out, they will start breathing

To a question about praising children, he pointed out how damaging excessive, unrealistic praise could be. They are smarter than you think. To say to the child, “You are the smartest person in the world,” has a deleterious effect because they know that this is not true.

He told the story of being invited to dinner for the Poet Laureate of Denmark. In the reception-line people were constantly remarking that he was the greatest poet in the world. Dr. Ginott could see that this was making the man bilious.

When it came to his turn, he quoted a line in a poem written by the man and commented that when he read that, it lifted his spirits and made him smile. The man beamed at the compliment. Realistic praise is much better than effusive praise, which people know is false.

He gave the example of visiting a friend’s house who just redecorated. Instead of saying, “This is the nicest house I have ever seen,” it is much better to point out, “I love the color you picked for the drapes. They bring out the best in the furniture.” In other words, make a specific complement instead of a generic statement.

He also firmly stated that you should never hit children. It gives them the impression that you reach out and hit someone Somehow I found myself with kids only 10 months apart. Six weeks every year they were the same age. Frequently people at the supermarket would say how cute they were and ask if they were twins. When I answered no, they looked at me strangely and walked away confused.

Being an obstetrician/gynecologist, I was extremely busy with my practice and not tuned at all to child rearing. So when my wife suggested we attend a seminar by the then famous child psychologist, Haim Ginott and his wife, a famous psychologist, I agreed to go.

This turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

Haim Ginott had just published his book, ‘Between Parent And Child’, which at the time was a major bestseller. The seminar lasted two days. it was attended by 300 people, most of whom were frustrated mothers. I was one of the few males in attendance.

Just imagine 300 frustrated women with numerable problems with their children being able to ask any question. What I learned enabled to me to become a semi-expert in raising children.

I remember some lessons to this day, even though they were a half century ago. Unfortunately, Dr. Ginott died soon after the seminar at the young age of 51.

The most impressive ones were as follows. Dr. Ginott gave many answers and told the following memorable stories.

He started by making the following statement, “Children are not able to follow any command immediately. Their ego prevents this. “ Then he told the following story.

He was visiting some distant friends who had a six-year-old daughter named Gina. On a previous visit, Gina had taken a liking to the doctor and was excited about his visit. However, Dr. Ginott arrived late at night when she was in bed.

Promptly at 6 AM he was awakened by a bouncing rubber ball right by his ear; Gina was told not to awaken him. So with one eye opened, he said to her, “Would you please stop bouncing the ball?” She responded, “Can I bounce it one more time?” Being the expert that he was, he said, “Why don’t you bounce it two more times?” She bounced the ball two more times and left the room, avoiding temper tantrums and confrontational problems.

The very next day after the seminar, I found my five year-old son riding his Big Boy bicycle around the pool cool deck. He had been instructed on several occasions not to do this. I said, “Drew, I asked you not to ride around the pool like that.” I was astounded when he said, “Can I ride around it one more time?”

Being a newly-minted expert in how to handle this, I said, “Why don’t you ride around two more times?” He proceeded to ride around two more times, and never repeated it again.

To the question, “What do you do when two little kids are fighting?” His answer: “Leave the room and hope they don’t kill each other”, produced much laughter.

Another suggestion to this question was the ‘art of questioning’. When Mary comes up and says, “Johnny hit me”, you turn to Johnny and say, “Mary says you hit her.” Then Johnny says, “Mary hit me first.” Then you turn to Mary and say, “Johnny says you hit him first.” After going back-and-forth several times they usually lose patients and walk away.

More questions. “What do you do when a child holds its breath in anger.”. Answer: you don’t need to do anything because this is impossible; its’ just an effort to get attention. Even if they pass out, they will start breathing

To the question of excessively praising children, he pointed out how damaging this could be. They are smarter than you think. To say to the child, “You are the smartest person in the world,” has a deleterious effect on the child because they know that this is not true.

He told the story of being invited to dinner for the Poet Laureate of Denmark. In the reception-line people were constantly telling him he was the greatest poet in the world. He could see that this was making the man actually bilious.

When it came to his turn, he quoted a line in a poem written by the man and commented that when he read that, it actually lifted his spirits and made him smile. The man beamed at the compliment. Realistic praise is much better than effusive praise, which people know is not true.

He gave the example of visiting a friend’s house who just redecorated. Instead of saying, “This is the nicest house I have ever seen”’ it is much better to point out, “I love the color you picked for the drapes. They bring out the best in the furniture.”In other words, make a specific statement instead of a generic statement.

He also firmly stated that you should never hit children. It gives them the impression that when you are angry you reach out and hit someone. A further question was asked, “What happens when you lose your temper and strike a child.” He stated, “You should immediately apologize to them, and tell them, “See what happens when you make me so angry that I can’t control myself.”

To the follow-up question, “What should I do if I can’t hit the child; how do I make him obey?” His answer: “The best way when a child is misbehaving is to say, “That is not the mood of the house. Please go to your room and stay there until your mood improves.”

I explained this to my children and within a week of the seminar, my son approached me and said, “Dad, I am not in the mood of the house. I’m going to go to my room until I feel better.” This is a true story word for word.

I wish I could remember the hundreds of questions asked of Dr. Ginott. The answers I remembered have made me a better parent.

Here are some of the key lessons I learned and how they transformed my parenting approach:

1. Children Need Time to Process Commands: Dr. Ginott emphasized that children don’t respond well to immediate commands. I already mentioned the story about a friend’s daughter who, despite being told not to, woke him up by bouncing a ball.
2. Avoid Empty Praise: Generic compliments like “you’re the smartest person in the world” can be damaging to a child’s self-esteem. Instead, Dr. Ginott advocated for specific, genuine praise. He recounted an encounter with the poet laureate of Denmark, who felt overwhelmed by excessive compliments at a reception in his honor. When Dr. Ginott offered a specific compliment about a line in the poet’s work, the man was visibly moved.
3. Never Resort to Hitting: Dr. Ginott strongly advised against hitting children, as it teaches them to respond to anger with violence. Instead, he suggested sending a misbehaving child to their room until their mood improves. This technique proved surprisingly effective with my children.
4. Diffuse Conflict with Questions: When children fight, Dr. Ginott recommends leaving the room or using the art of questioning. By asking each child what the other did, they often lose interest in the conflict and move on.
5. Ignore Breath-Holding: Breath-holding is a common attention-seeking tactic in young children. Dr. Ginott advised ignoring it, as children will eventually start breathing again.

These lessons, though simple, had a profound impact on my parenting. By understanding how children think and react, I was able to create a more peaceful and respectful home environment. While I can’t recall all the questions asked during the seminar, the answers I remember have stayed with me for decades and made me a better parent.

“Like a trained surgeon who is careful where he cuts, parents, too, need to become skilled in the use of words. Because words are like knives. They can inflict, if not physical, many painful emotional wounds.” ― Haim G. Ginott, Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated

Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication

Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881. Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881