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Lessons from Dr. Haim Ginott: Transforming Parenting with Effective Communication
As a busy obstetrician/gynecologist, my time was devoted to my medical practice, leaving me with little opportunity to explore parenting strategies. With two children just 10 months apart, I often felt unprepared for the challenges of raising them. That changed when my wife suggested attending a seminar by the renowned child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott.
Dr. Ginott had recently published Between Parent and Child, a groundbreaking bestseller on parenting. The two-day seminar, attended by 300 eager participants—mostly frustrated mothers—became one of the most valuable experiences of my life. His insights completely transformed my approach to parenting. Here are some of the most powerful lessons I learned.
Children Need Time to Process Commands
Dr. Ginott emphasized that children don’t respond well to immediate commands due to their strong sense of autonomy. He illustrated this concept with a memorable story:
While visiting friends, their six-year-old daughter, Gina, was excited about his visit. However, he arrived late at night, long after she had gone to bed. Early the next morning, he was awakened by a bouncing rubber ball near his ear. Instead of scolding her, he calmly said, “Would you please stop bouncing the ball?”
Gina responded, “Can I bounce it one more time?” Recognizing the importance of allowing children a sense of control, he replied, “Why don’t you bounce it two more times?” She did—and then left the room happily, avoiding any confrontation.
I applied this lesson the very next day. My five-year-old son Drew was riding his Big Boy bicycle around the pool deck, despite being told not to. When I reminded him of the rule, he asked, “Can I ride around one more time?” Remembering Dr. Ginott’s approach, I replied, “Why don’t you ride around two more times?”
To my amazement, he did—and never rode around the pool again.
Handling Sibling Fights with the Art of Questioning
Dr. Ginott provided a simple yet effective method for managing sibling conflicts. Instead of immediately intervening, he suggested using a back-and-forth questioning technique. If one child complained, “Johnny hit me,” the response should be, “Johnny says you hit him first.” By continuing this cycle, children often lost patience and walked away, diffusing the situation naturally.
Managing Attention-Seeking Behavior
A common parenting concern was how to handle children holding their breath in anger. Dr. Ginott reassured parents that this behavior is simply an attention-seeking tactic. He advised doing nothing, as children will eventually breathe again, even if they briefly pass out.
The Danger of Excessive Praise
Dr. Ginott warned against unrealistic, excessive praise, as children are intelligent enough to recognize insincere compliments. Instead of saying, “You are the smartest person in the world,” he suggested offering specific, meaningful praise.
He shared a story about attending a reception for the Poet Laureate of Denmark. Many guests lavished him with exaggerated praise, which seemed to make him uncomfortable. When it was Dr. Ginott’s turn, he instead quoted a line from the poet’s work and shared how it lifted his spirits. The poet’s delighted response underscored the power of genuine, thoughtful compliments.
Similarly, when admiring a friend’s redecorated home, instead of saying, “This is the nicest house I’ve ever seen,” he recommended making a specific observation: “I love the color you chose for the drapes; they really complement the furniture.”
Never Resort to Hitting
Dr. Ginott strongly opposed physical punishment, emphasizing that it teaches children to respond to anger with violence. Instead, he advised using a non-confrontational method: calmly tell the child, “That is not the mood of the house. Please go to your room until your mood improves.”
Within a week of implementing this technique, my son approached me and said, “Dad, I’m not in the mood of the house. I’m going to my room until I feel better.” It was a breakthrough moment that reinforced the power of positive discipline.
A Lasting Impact
These insights profoundly influenced my approach to parenting, fostering a more peaceful and respectful home environment. Though I may not remember all the questions asked during the seminar, the lessons I do recall have stayed with me for decades, making me a better parent.
As Dr. Ginott wisely stated:
“Like a trained surgeon who is careful where he cuts, parents, too, need to become skilled in the use of words. Because words are like knives. They can inflict, if not physical, many painful emotional wounds.”
For more timeless parenting wisdom, you can find Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated on Amazon.
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